Dirty Mind
by Dreamweaving
Summary: Sometimes, Watanuki can barely resist the urge to do terrible things to Doumeki. Rated for suggestiveness, AKA:Pervy humour. NOT LEMON! Seriously, stop asking, please! Slight humorous implications of DoumekiWatanuki.
1. Into The Gutter We Go

God, Doumeki got on his nerves. He really did! Watanuki just wanted to.... just wanted too...

"Aaaargh! Sometimes I just want to squeaze your stupid head until it explodes!" Watanuki yelled, waving both arms around in the air.

Doumeki raised an eyebrow and then slowly a smirk came to his face.

Watanuki paused in his spazz attack to give the other boy a confused look. How on earth could Doumeki find threats to his health amusing...?

And then it dawned on him. His face went bright red. "YOU ARE SUCH A PERVERT!"

"I didn't say anything. Your mind went there all on it's own."


	2. Fun With Icepops

Watanuki's mind continues to travel the gutter. Doumeki is obviously having fun. Enjoy~!

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Watanuki ran his tongue from base to tip before bringing his lips over the whole thing. He sucked on it for a few moments, his tongue circling around the tip. Then removed his mouth to lick from tip to base and back up again. He continued this pattern until he was done.

He swallowed, licked the remains from his lips and gave a contented sigh.

"That was good." He said, sitting back in his chair.

Doumeki didn't reply. He was giving Watanuki a strange look.

Watanuki frowned, suspicion rising in his mind. "What?"

Doumeki raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Nothing."

There was a moments pause as Watanuki's mind raced for some explanation to the way Doumeki was acting. Slowly his cheeks heated up.

"I swear, if your thinking what I THINK your thinking, I am going to remove your brain with this popsickle stick so you can't think such things ever again!!!"

"I wasn't thinking anything. I'd like to know what you think I was thinking though."

Silence.

Doumeki's smirk grew.

Watanuki decided Doumeki really had to die.

..........right after he had another popsickle.

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You know teh drill. R&R. Also, to the person who wished I'd written lemon for this, trust me. You don't want me to write lemon. You'd be very dissapointed. :O


	3. Lube It

Since some people seem to be expecting it, I have to say you won't find any pron here. Not gonna happen in this fic. Sorry. This is purely dirty humor. So if your looking for smex go elsewhere. Your wasting your time on this one.

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"It's too big, Doumeki. It's not going to fit." Watanuki said, breathing heavily from the effort.

For a moment, Doumeki was silent. Then a small smirk crossed his face. "We could lubricate it."

Watanuki frowned, looking confused. "What? That doesn't make any...." He haulted mid-sentence to spin around and glare at the archer, who's smirk had vanished before the other boy could see it.

"YOU JUST THINK YOUR SO DAMN FUNNY DON'T YOU?!"

Doumeki raised an eyebrow.

"JUST SHUT UP AND HELP ME MOVE THIS STUPID STAND INTO PLACE!" He spun back to the table and gave it a glare. "We're going to make it fit, damn it. And it's going to like it!"

Doumeki almost had trouble keeping a straight face at that comment.

"It would like it better if we lubed it first."

"I SAID SHUT UP, DAMN YOU!"


	4. Cherries

Sorry I'm taking so long. My mind is not yet comfortably at home here in the gutter so coming up with some good themes is pretty tough. Hopefully I'll come up with something better next time.

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Watanuki glared at Doumeki over the table top, his lips turned down in a deep frown.

Doumeki looked right back, his mouth moving as though he were swishing something around inside it.

Watanuki knew exactly what the archer was up to and he was **not **amused.

Doumeki's eyes lit up a little with a mischievous glint as he stuck out his tongue to proudly display his accomplishment.

The stem of a cherry tied in a knot.

Watanuki's eye twitched a little in annoyance. Doumeki plucked the stem from the tip of his tongue and lay it on the table before sitting back and smirking.

"Thirty seconds. Think you can top that?"

Watanuki growled and grabbed a cherry from the bowl. "Of course I can! Just you watch!"

He popped the cherry into his mouth.

For nearly a minute there was silence before Watanuki spat the stem back out on the table.

Doumeki smirked. "Quitting?"

"There's no point to this! It doesn't mean anything!" Watanuki spat, irritable at being unable to tie the stem with his tongue.

Doumeki responded by leaning across the table until his face was so close to Watanuki's that he could feel the archer's breath on his face. "I could teach you."

Watanuki went a rather cute shade of pink and pulled his head back further. "N-no!"

"Don't think you _can _learn?" Doumeki asked.

Watanuki growled. "That's not it at all!"

Doumeki grabbed the front of Watanuki's shirt and pulled him back towards himself, moving his lips right up against Watanuki's ear. "Then maybe it's just that you'd rather I use my abilities for other things...?"

By now Watanuki's cute little pink blush had deepened to a brilliantly deep shade of red.

_"Your disgusting!"_He hissed, pushing Doumeki away.

He stood up and stormed from the room, plotting his revenge on the archer and making a mental note to get some cherries on his way home so he could practice.

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R&R folks. Reviews give me inspiration to write more~!


	5. Edible Part One

This was inspired by something that happened in the RP I'm in. Please review! This one's for Porti-San as thankyou for all his wonderful beta work. :D

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Watanuki was curled up in an armchair reading a book when suddenly something lowered into his line of vision. He could feel the vein starting to throb in his temple merely from the fact that his vision was being obstructed. He didn't even pay any mind to what the item was.

Snarling, he dropped his book and grabbed the item, squeezing it in his fist as he turned his head up.

Of course. There stood Doumeki, behind his chair and leaning over it. Smirking.

"What do **you **want?!" Watanuki growled, waving the fist with the item at Doumeki.

"It's a gift." Doumeki replied, the smirk not budging from his face. What the heck could be amusing him so much? It sent a cold chill down Watanuki's spine and he had a bad feeling as he unclenched his fist.

His face heated up as he threw the object at Doumeki's face.

**"WHAT THE HELL?! _EDIBLE CONDOMS?!?! _WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE AND WHY ARE YOU GIVING THEM TO ME?!" **Watanuki screeched, horrified.

Doumeki had caught the offending gift but had laid it on the back of the chair to plug his ears. His smirk was gone. But as soon as Watanuki had finished yelling he continued his assault on the poor boy's sanity.

"You don't like cherry? I can go back and get watermellon if you want."

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I've got you curious, yes? No worries. It's gonna be a double update. Read the next chapter. And if you want to know what happened to inspire it, feel free to ask.


	6. Edible Part Two

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Part two of the fun two-part update.

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He was standing at the kitchen counter trying to decide what he'd make for dinner when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

He turned and felt the irritation bubble up immeadiatly. There stood Doumeki, a package in hand.

"Oh hell no! I don't want any more of your prank gifts! Get out right now!"

"It's an apology gift." Doumeki said, face blank. "To show you I'm sorry."

Watanuki froze, blinking. "Huh?"

Doumeki held the box forward and Watanuki took it, awkwardly. He opened it and stared. Then he hissed and dropped it like it was on fire.

"DAMN YOU! FIRST CONDOMS AND NOW UNDERWEAR?! JUST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, GIVING ME ALL THESE WEIRD EDIBLE THINGS, YOU PERVERT?!"

"They only come in pink. I couldn't find anything else." Doumeki stated matter-of-factly.

"THATS ENTIRELY NOT THE POINT!"

People in the other apartments would probably think that a murder was being committed. And they'd be right, if Watanuki had remembered he had a drawer full of sharp knives.

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	7. I Wanted Strawberry

Thankyou Medtechwriter, for your happy inspiration. I got inspiration from your fic but couldn't think how to work it in. Then you commented on chapter five and... Well, this is the result. So this one is for Medtechwriter.

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Doumeki appeared to be _sulking_ about the whole condoms and underwear fiasco. He'd been even quieter than usual, not even requesting foods!

It was driving Watanuki a little batty, really. The silence was even more frustrating than the things that had been coming out of the archer's mouth recently!

Finaly, he snapped.

"Dammit, Doumeki, don't you get it???"He yelled, pointing at the archer, an anger veing throbbing on his temple. "Watermellon and cherry are both **disgusting**! You could at least get something in strawberry, you twit!"

For a moment all was silent as Doumeki stared at him, mild shock on his face.

Watanuki felt proud at getting an emotion to appear there. Until Doumeki rose and headed for the door, looking thoughtful.

"And where are you going?" Watanuki snarled, giving him a suspicious look.

"Going to get strawberry." He replied shortly, walking out.

Watanuki stared at the space where Doumeki had been before howling in rage, his face a cute shade of pink. **"DAMN YOU! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!"**

**

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Y'know the drill my friends. :P


	8. Only One Thing On His Mind

You can thank this chapter to cxvxs to whom I dedicate this chapter! Thanks cxvxs!

* * *

Well of course Watanuki was on edge now. Doumeki was driving him crazy. It was getting harder and harder not to strangle the idiot to death.

And in **no way** were his frustrations sexual. Nope. Not at all.

Not even a tiny bit.

He froze in the middle of chopping carrots, mild shock and horror washing over him. It wasn't... right? Oh God, someone kill him if it was!

"Oy, I got them." Doumeki's voice came from uncomfortably close to his ear.

"GYAAAAAA!" Watanuki screamed, dropping the knife on the cutting board and spinning around to find Doumeki practically on top of him. The archer scooted a little closer once Watanuki had turned, dropping the box in his hand to seize Watanuki's wrists before the other could start assaulting him with his fists.

"Must you **always **sneak up behind me?!" Watanuki growled, trying to wrench himself free from Doumeki's grasp.

"It's no fun from the front." Doumeki replied calmly, pressing his body fully against Watanuki's to try to better pin the young man in case he decided to attack in some other manner.

Watanuki immediately stopped struggling, his mouth opening though no sound came out as his eyes widened in suprise. Doumeki was sort of delighted to see the light pink flush appear on Watanuki's cheeks. He thought perhaps it was from his actions, and never expected it was his words instead.

"W-What the hell?? Why do you always have to say disgusting things??" Watanuki hissed, remaining still.

It took a moment to figure out what Watanuki meant. "Ah... I didn't think of it like that." He said, bringing his face in closer to Watanuki's. "Your mind never leaves the gutter. But actually, given the choice I'd rather have you facing me."

It had the desired effect as Watanuki's face slowly went from a cute pink to tomato red. He was so cute like that.

"Gah! L-Let go you pervert!" He yelled, but he still hadn't resumed his fighting against Doumeki's hold.

Well there was only one thing for Doumeki to do in this situation. A blushing, non-aggressive Watanuki pinned between the counter and Doumeki's body... His arms restrained should he attempt to flail them out at any point.... His lips slightly parted and looking soft and inviting.

Yes. There was only one thing Doumeki wanted to do right now at this very moment as he felt the heat from Watanuki's body seeping through his clothing...

He turned his eyes to the discarded box. "I got strawberry."

Watanuki's howl of rage was just the reaction Doumeki had wanted.

Honestly, he was just too much **fun**.

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R&R and I'll get the next chapter up soon! (Tempts with chapters)


	9. Permission

cxvxs.... your going to kill me with your awesomeness... lol You really are. You put SO MUCH inspiration in my head. People who are reading this? You owe csvxs once again for another chapter. And also, props to I've Chosen To Be Yuko for the ending of this chapter. (winks)

And hey, things heat up some, but I still remain firm about not writing lemon.

* * *

After their encounter in the kitchen, Doumeki had seemed to stop bothering Watanuki with horrible, dirty ideas for a while. It'd been nearly two weeks and while far-from-forgotten, the ordeal was now no longer at the front of Watanuki's mind. At least not during the daytime. At night however... But that's not important at the moment.

The main point is that Watanuki was once again going through his normal, boring, non-perverted life. Things were so blissfully normal. As normal as his life **could** be at least...

And so his mind was on other things when he cut his finger opening the mail. Damn. Paper cuts always hurt so much!

He was laying the mail aside and heading for the kitchen when he ran into Doumeki, screaming because he thought he was alone in his apartment. "Ahhhhhh! What the hell? Doumeki?? HOW DID YOU GET IN???"

Doumeki shrugged and ignored the question, reaching out and seizing Watanuki's wrist and bringing the injured finger to eye level. "Cut yourself?"

"Yes, I was going to go cle--huh??"

He was startled as Doumeki brought the finger into his mouth and began to suck on it gently. Instead of yelling, as he normally would, images flashed into his mind that made him freeze on the spot, his mouth hanging open.

Images that were inspired by the way Doumeki's tongue slid over his finger tip.... so hot and gentle and.... "Ohhh...."

At first Watanuki didn't realize the soft sound of pleasure was coming from his own mouth. But Doumeki had paused and removed his lips from the finger to give Watanuki a suprised look.

Watanuki could feel his face heating up again.

He tried, to no avail, to tug his arm free of Doumeki's grasp so he could turn away but Doumeki held tightly, tugging Watanuki forward and getting his free arm around him. He brought the finger back to his lips, though it had long since stopped bleeding.

Watanuki's mouth was dry, he swallowed nervously, eyes focused solely on Doumeki's lips. He bit his own lip, his face getting warmer.

"You can moan if you want." Doumeki murmured before he ran his tongue along the front of the finger, causing quite-pleasant chills to run up and down Watanuki's spine. But his words had struck a nerve.

"Did you just give me **permission **to moan?!?!" He shrieked, hitting Doumeki on the shoulder and chest with his free arm.

"I did." Doumeki answered calmly. "Since you seem hesitant to show me that you enjoy it."

"I didn't enjoy it! Ugh! Now I have your germs all over my finger, you sicko!"

Instead of being deterred Doumeki bypassed the flailing arm to catch Watanuki's lips. The effect was not really what Doumeki had in mind this time. He expected some more annoyed flailings and maybe a slap. Instead Watanuki let out a muffled groan and used his free hand to grab the front of Doumeki's shirt with no hesitation, kissing him back heatedly.

Okay. Maybe his frustrations were sexual. Dammit. Like hell was he going to let Doumeki keep terrorizing him like this!

Doumeki was startled by the sudden intensity between them and tried to pull back, tripping over the conveniently placed schoolbag he'd left lying on the floor when he entered. He stumbled back, dragging Watanuki along with him, trying to keep his balance. He would have succeeded had he not backed up into the side of the couch.

He grunted into the kiss as he landed on the couch hard, with Watanuki still latched on.

It wasn't like he was against all this. He wouldn't have kissed Watanuki in the first place if he hadn't liked him. But Watanuki's reaction was startling. Even so, there was that saying about.... a horse with gifts? Doumeki knew he knew the saying but his mind was slowly shutting down on him now that he was being pinned to the couch.

He released Watanuki's hand finaly so that he could use it to maneuver himself onto the couch a little better as Watanuki pulled back from their kiss to breath.

Doumeki didn't let Watanuki have a chance to think about anything to clearly as he closed the gap to continue the broken kiss, his hands roaming along Watanuki's sides and around in between their bodies so he could unbuckle Watanuki's pants.

But it seemed at this moment Watanuki finaly came crashing back down to earth. He broke the kiss, scrambling to his feet. "H-Hey! What the hell do you think your doing??"

Doumeki frowned. "Your the one who pinned me to the couch."

If he seemed a little moody, it was to be expected. He was hot and flustered and had a rather demanding ache that wanted attention and Watanuki merely looked a bit annoyed. Which was nothing new.

"You tripped!" Watanuki retorted. "I didn't give you permission to molest me!"

"You kissed me back." Doumeki replied, looking a bit sulky. "Do you mean to say you'd turn me on and leave me wanting you?"

Watanuki's eyes nearly bugged out of his head as he allowed his eyes to drift to the front of Doumeki's pants for a moment before he looked away. At least he was blushing again now. "T-That's...Your... I didn't mean to!"

Doumeki sighed and ran a hand through his hair, also looking away. Awkward. Okay, think Doumeki, how could you fix this?

Ah. Of course.

Slowly he stood from the couch and moved to his school bag. He dug around inside it for a moment as Watanuki turned to watch, curious despite everything.

Doumeki found what he was looking for a stood, turning around, holding the item behind his back as he walked up to Watanuki. The other boy waited patiently to see what Doumeki had.

Slowly he held out the item he'd been planning to use as ammo for his next assault on Watanuki's sanity.

"R-Rover?!" Watanuki hissed, swatting the leather, studded collar with dog tag out of Doumeki's hand. "You bastard!"

"You'd prefer Kitty?" Doumeki asked calmly, feeling much better now that Watanuki was yelling in exaggerated anger again.

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R&R for more~!


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